Wednesday 26 September 2012

[Just random thoughts: Last moments]

I was wondering how will I feel if I am about to die.

Perhaps, I would have many regrets and would be blaming myself on my deathbed.
Maybe, I would die without even realizing that I am about to die.

Honestly, I am someone who wants to know when will I pass on.
Though some people say, "what's the point of knowing when you will die if you can't do anything about it?"
I beg to differ. At least, let me know if I am dying 5mins before I pass on.
I do not have to know when I am about to die or how I will die now.
This would make a great difference in my death. It would not be as meaningless.

I am super duper scared to die while I am in coma (without consciousness) or when I am in the middle of my sleep but I am also afraid of dying painfully.
I am not afraid of dying alone, not afraid that no one will prepare my funeral, not afraid of going to hell or even just losing consciousness and don't wake up again. I just want to think about things that are precious to me and keep my mind at ease with the knowledge that I am about to pass on.

I wouldn't think of how I would die if my precious one have not left me suddenly.
Even though it is expected to come, it is just difficult to accept the fact that your routine will change by the fact that someone very close to you left.
Not only the routine, but the feelings you have towards your home and family.

Recently,  my precious great grandmother passed away.
It was such a great impact on me that I couldn't accept the fact that I am preparing for her funeral now.

Even though I loved her, I was never a saint. I get pissed off with her at times and ticks her off or even blow my top off at her due to other issues I have outside of home.
Even though I loved her, I have never really had a heart to heart talk with her.
Even though I loved her, I was not able to let her see me on her deathbed.

I did not rush to the hospital right after I received the news that she was in an emergency state.
I thought that she was going to be fine as the previous few time she admitted to the hospital, she became better.
My dad used to call me to rush down to the hospital because she was in an 'emergency' when it always always turned out to be a false alarm.
This time, just like the 'the boy who called wolf' story, I took the call too lightly. I only realized this was all true when my always-serious-and-honest aunty called me, then telling me that they are sending her home as she has not more than a few hours left.
My tears was overwhelming in my eye ducks and, then, cascaded down my cheeks like silvered glass once I was able to get a taxi at the area I was at.
I do not know how to fully describe how I felt then, my heart was so painful.

I couldn't believe that fact at all, somewhere deep inside my heart was hoping that everything was a false alarm even though the fact was 99.99% confirmed.
When I reached home, my beloved great-grandmother wasn't home yet.
My aunt was there and some of my relatives, that made their way home from the hospital first to prepare for my great-grandmother's arrival.
My tears did not stop, just like a broken tap, rebellious tears were oozing out  from my eye ducks. My aunt persuaded me that I should stop crying because my great-grandmother wouldn't want to see me that way.
I tried my best and kept wiping off the never ending tears from my cheeks.
Just when I heart the siren of the ambulance, I knew my great-grandmother was arriving home.
I swallowed all my tears back and wanted to 'welcome' her back.
When I saw her on the stretcher, my tears fell again. I tried fighting it back but was to no avail.
The nurses carried her to our room and placed her on our bed. I tried calling out to her, but there was not much response. I tried my best to talk to her, shout at the top of my voice to tell her that she's home, still no response was noticed. I started telling her that I will live on and be strong. I told her not to worry about me.

All my relatives was all standing around her, all accompanying her at her last moments.
I was beside her, holding her right hand not wanting to let go at all.
I know what she's in coma but I really really hope that she heard whatever I told her at her deathbed.
Her breath gradually slowed down till it finally stopped after a few hours.  
(it was a miracle because the doctor predicted not more than 20mins)
My most-loved great-grandmother had really passed away right in front of my eyes.

Everything that happened was most unexpected of, things happened all at a go. I had no preparations, nothing. My mind was at blank even everything happened. I really hoped that everything was just a bad dream, a terrible nightmare. I did not want to accept the fact.

The very last time I saw her was when she told me to go home and rest from the hospital. It was a smile she portrayed, waving at me, telling me bye-bye.
That was cute. Really cute.

*gosh, writing this now is making my tears never ending*

Just before that, she did not even want to visit the hospital.
She rejected the paramedics though she was suffering. I told her I will be by her side so she went.
Yet, I left in the middle of the night with the reason that I am tired and need to sleep.
The next time I saw her was at her deathbed.
I really really hope she knew that I was there. I really really wanted her to know that I was beside her during her last moments.

I had to accept the fact that she had passed on and now, sitting here, helping out with her funeral.

She loved me, she left all the food she loved for me.
She loved me, she gets really worried when I go jogging.
She loved me, she tried her best to ask me not to go jogging so much as she thought I was torturing myself.
She loved me, she really do.

She brought me up, she did so many things for me.
She brought me up, she gave me money and supported my decisions.
She brought me up, she was so proud of me.

She trusted me that I will be there, but was I really?

This is my greatest regret in life, yet, I could only accept it and move on.
This is life, my life and I all I can is accept.

Written by,
Kiyomi Lim

1 comment:

  1. With God Bless, she is with Him right now.. Condolence to her.. be brave n dont remember to move forward... She will be proud of u.. :)